There were two brothers who lived in the country.

One day they decided they wanted to move to the big city and get jobs there. When they got there they went to the employment office to ask for jobs.

The first brother went in for an interview and less than 10 minutes later he comes out of the office jumping for joy yelling “hoo wee! I got a job!”

The second brother was so happy and excited for what he would get.

He enters the office and the interviewer asks him what his skills are.

“Well” he says, “I can cut and split wood like crazy”

The interviewer looks at him and says “Hmm, well it’s going to be hard to find a job in this city with those skills. Everything in the city is steel and concrete, we don’t have much use for a wood cutter”

Disheartened, the second brother says “but my brother was just in here and he got a job”

The interviewer says, “yes but he says he can pilot, and that’s a valuable skill”

The brother sits up in his chair and says, “that may be so, but he can’t pile’it ’till I cut it”

“””””

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Two old men felt they were close to their last days and decided to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they ended up at the local brothel.
The madam took one look at the two old geezers and whispered to her manager,

“Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll on each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.”

The manager did as he was told and the two old men went upstairs for their business.

As they were walking home the first man said, “You know, I think my girl was dead.”

“Dead?” said his friend, “Why do you say that?”

“Well,” replied the first, “she never moved or made a sound all the time I was making love to her.”

His friend said, “Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.”

“A witch? Why the hell would you say that?” asked the other.

“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite. Then she farted, flew out the window, and took my teeth with her.”

“””””

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A teacher tells her students to write a sentence defining power.

Once everyone has finished, she reads the sentences out to the class:

– “Power is when you can do good,” – Good, Max, nice sentence. That’s an A.

– “Power is when you can do good and punish evil,” – very good, Sarah, beautiful. That’s an A+.

– “Power is when you have a lot of women and can sleep with them,” – whaaaat? Johnny, what kind of filth are you writing? Change it to something proper at once!

Johnny thinks for a minute and hands the teacher another piece of paper. She reads:

– “Power is when you have the ability and right to impose your philosophy upon others and to ruin their dreams.”

“””””

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A man and his wife and his mother in law went on vacation to the Holy Land…

While they were there, the mother in law passed away.
The undertaker told them you can have her shipped home for $5000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00.

The man thought about it, told him he’d just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked why would you spend $5000 to ship your mother in law home when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?

The man replied. A man died here 2000 years ago. He was buried here. Three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can’t take that chance.

“””””

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