A pastor’s wife goes to the grocery store for dinner ingredients. She stops by the butcher and asks for the best ham. Butcher comes back and says “here’s your dam ham”

Shocked, the pastor’s wife responds “Watch your language, the Lord doesn’t approve of cursing”.
“No ma’am, that’s the name of the ham” the butcher replies.

Embarrassed, the woman collects the ham and nods as she turns to leave. Later, the pastor comes home as his wife is preparing dinner. He asks her what smells so good.

“It’s the dam ham, it will be ready shortly” the wife responds.

“Lord have mercy on my wife. Dear, you should not curse, you know better. What example will you set for the congregation saying such things” the pastor says with a surprised look on his face.

“No dear, it’s the name of the ham” she says with a slight smirk on her face.

With a look of embarrassment, the pastor kisses his wife on the cheek and starts to set the table. When dinner is served, the whole family is at the table: the pastor, his wife, and his son. They say grace and dig in.

“Dear, can you pass the dam ham?”

With a grin ear to ear, the son replies “that’s the spirit Dad, pass the f**king potatoes”

“””””

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A 17-year-old boy, who works part-time at Pizza Hut, pulls up to his house in a stunning Porsche.

His parents are immediately suspicious, knowing there’s no way his after-school job could have paid for such an expensive car. “Where did you get that car?” they shout, astonished.

“I bought it today,” the boy replies calmly.

“With what money?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs, and there’s no way you can afford it!”

The boy shrugs. “It’s used, and I got a great deal. I only paid $20 for it.”

His parents are even more shocked. “Who would sell a Porsche for $20?!”

“The woman up the street,” the boy explains. “She just moved in. I delivered a pizza to her, and she offered to sell me the Porsche for $20.”

Baffled, his parents rush to the neighbor’s house, ready for an explanation. They find her calmly planting flowers in her yard. “I’m the father of the boy you sold a Porsche to for $20,” the dad says. “We need to know why you sold it so cheap!”

The woman, without looking up, responds, “I got a call from my husband this morning. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it turns out he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t plan on coming back.”

The boy’s mom, still confused, asks, “But what does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?”
With a satisfied smile, the woman replies, “My husband told me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money—so I did.”
“””””

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An elderly married couple had just settled into bed when the old man let out a loud fart and declared, “Seven points!”

His wife, confused, rolled over and asked, “What was that all about?”

The old man grinned and replied, “It’s fart football.”

Not wanting to be left out, a few minutes later the wife let one rip and proudly announced, “Touchdown, tie game!”

After a short pause, the old man fired off another and boasted, “Aha, 14 to 7! I’m winning.”
Determined to keep up, the wife let loose with another big one, saying, “Touchdown, tie game again.”

Then, with a little squeaker, she added, “Field goal! I’m in the lead, 17 to 14.”
Now feeling the pressure, the old man couldn’t stand the thought of losing. Determined not to be defeated, he pushed with all his might—but gave a little too much effort. To his horror, he accidentally pooped in the bed.

His wife, shocked, asked, “What on earth just happened?”

The old man sighed and said, “Half time—time to switch sides.”

“””””

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A bunch of scrap metal dealers are all killed together in a bus accident.

They end up at the pearly gates and are greeted by St. Peter.

Peter: What are you guys supposed to be?

A big dirty guy in the crowd: We’re scrap metal dealers!

Peter: How come there are so many of you?

Big guy: We were at a scrap metal convention and were killed on the same bus.

Peter: This is highly unusual. I better go check with the boss.

Peter leaves the group waiting and goes to see God on his throne.

Peter: Dear Lord, there are about 50 scrap metal dealers at the gates and they all want in.

God: Fifty? Oh no, that’s way too many. Go back and pick the 10 or 12 best of the bunch and send the others away.

So off St. Peter runs towards the gates, but a moment later he is standing back in front of God with a horrified look on his face.

Peter: They’re gone!

God: what do you mean gone? Where could they all go?

Peter: No, the pearly gates! They’re gone!

“””””

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