Mum, am I adopted?
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Mum, am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears. “Mum, am I adopted?” he asked.

“No of course not,” replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and… and… I don’t know how to say this… he may not be our son.”

“Well, obviously!”

She gasped. “What do you mean?”

“It was your idea in the first place! You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred.”

“””””

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A man met a beautiful girl
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A man met a beautiful girl

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, “That was incredible.”

He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the ripples from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”

“No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”

“””””

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International police convention
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International police convention

In an international police convention, American FBI, English Scotland Yard and Brazilian BOPE are about to take part in a competition.

A rabbit will be set loose in the woods and the team that retrieves it in the shortest time wins.

First goes the Scotland Yard. They use hounds and helicopters and come back with the rabbit in 2 hours.

Secondly goes the FBI. They use high-tech gear and drones with thermal image cameras and return with the rabbit in 1 hour.

Last to go in is the brazilian BOPE. They return after 20 minutes with a bloodied pig, a written confession and the animal is screaming: I’m a rabbit! I swear I’m a rabbit.

“””””

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Tinder date
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Tinder date

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

“There’s so many games!” he said, “What do you wanna do?”

“I wanna get weighed.” she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.
“What next?” he asks.

“I wanna get weighed.” she says, confidently looking at him.

They return to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins… nothing… The vendor has a good memory.

“What now?” he asks, a bit annoyed at the repeat activity.

She looks at the man, holding his gaze and carefully says “I. Wanna. Get. WEIGHED.”

He ends the date right there and storms off.

Dejected, the girl goes home to her roommate, who asks, “How was your date?”

She throws the stuffed animal to the ground and shouts, “Wousy!”

“””””

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