A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train.

Along came this lady, who when seeing the 2 cute babies, started asking the man, “Aren’t they cute, what are their names?”

The man giving the lady an angry look replied, “I don’t know.”

The lady asked again, “Which is a boy and which is a girl?”

The man looking angrier than before replied, “I don’t know.”

The woman then started to scold the man, “What kind of a father are you?”

The man replied, “I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company.”

……………..

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One day an old lady was sitting at her old home with her old dog. A fairy suddenly pops up next to her. It tells her, “You have lived a good life. I will now grant you three magic wishes.”

The old women thinks for a minute, and then makes up her mind. She says, “My first wish is that I will be young and beautiful again.” POOF! She is.

“My second wish is that I am very rich and live in a mansion.” POOF! Her tattered, old house becomes a magnificent mansion, and she is the richest person in the world.

“My third wish is that my old dog will become a handsome young man and will be deeply in love with me.” POOF! The old, mangy dog becomes what she wishes,a handsome man, with a beautiful face, and tender longing eyes.

He then leans over and whispers into her ear, “Honey, aren’t you sad you got me fixed?”

……………..

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A boy went to visit his grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.

So he says, “Grandfather, are these plates clean?” His grandfather replies, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal.”

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, “Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, “I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don’t ask me about it anymore.”

Well, later that day, the boy offered to out and get dinner. As he was leaving the house, the grandfather’s dog who was lying on the floor started to growl, and would not let the boy pass.

“Grandfather, your dog won’t let me out.”

Without diverting his attention from the game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, “Coldwater, get your ass out of the way!”

……………..

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A boy was meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time for dinner.

After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy’s chair.

Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and the boy really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

“Duke!” the dad yelled.

“This is great!” the boy thought. “He thinks the dog is farting!” so he let out another one.

“Duke!” the father barked.

The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

“Duke! Get outa there before he craps on your head!

……………..

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