A man went into a bar. The bartender said to the guy, “What can I get you?”

“Make it a whisky,” said the man who promptly throws it down in one gulp.

“That will be three dollars,” said the bartender.

“Says you!” said the man. “You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying.”

“Get out,” said the bartender. “You’re banned. I don’t need your business.”

Anyway, two years later, the same man went back to the same bar with the same bartender.

The bartender looked at him and said, “You’re the jerk who tried to con a drink out of me, aren’t you?”

“Excuse me, but I have no idea what you are talking about,” said the customer. “I’ve never been to this bar before in my life!”

“Sorry. My mistake,” said the bartender. “You must have a double.”

“Hey thanks, dude!” said the customer. “Make it a whisky.”

……………..

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A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer won’t let him in the guy asks, “‘Why not?”

“Because you’re not wearing a tie,” says the bouncer.

“But I have come all the way from the other end of town,” says the guy.

“Sorry mate, that’s the rules,” says the bouncer.

So the guy goes back to his car to try and see if he can find a tie or something like one. He finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around himself, and goes back to the club.

“Is this all right?” he asks the bouncer.

“Well, all right then,” replies the bouncer. “But I’ll be watching you – don’t start anything!”

……………..

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A man is driving with his wife, when he is pulled over by a policeman.

“Sir,” says the cop. “You were going 60 in a 50 miles per hr speed zone.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“Yes, you were,” says the wife.

“Keep quiet!” says the man, angrily.

“And you weren’t wearing a seatbelt,” says the cop.

“Yes I was.”

“No, you weren’t,” says the wife.

“SHUT UP!” says the man, really angry.

“Ma’am,” asks the cop, “is he always this rude and violent?”

“Only when he’s DRUNK.”

……………..

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A preacher goes into a bar and says “Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”

Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.
The preacher says “My son, don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?”

The drunk says “When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.”

……………..

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