Month: May 2009

One day Little Johnny came home from school with a note pinned to his shirt. The note read: Dear parent, apparently Little Johnny has been having some trouble with telling the difference between girls and boys. Please sit down with him and explain this. Signed, Little Johnnys teacher.

After reading the note Little Johnnys mom took him into her room and shut the door. Okay Little Johnny, his mother said. First take off my high heels. Then take off my panty hose. Then take off my dress. Now take off my bra and panties.

NOW NEVER WEAR MY CLOTHES TO SCHOOL AGAIN!

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A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like chalk or pencil, she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, What gender is a computer? The teacher wasnt certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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This job security quiz will help determine how long youll be at your current job and what what kind of future youll have. Much better than an 8 ball I think.

The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you….
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that youre planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until youve finished the level.

Theres a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone whos been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, Wont have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock.

When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch I Love Lucy reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which youve written the word union.

When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you….
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it …. then tell the CEOs secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it …. then proudly tell the CEOs secretary that you did it.

Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kids fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you….
A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss face.

Scoring the job security quiz:
Mostly As: You have nothing to worry about. Theyll never fire you because youre a doormat.
Mostly Bs: Youre not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, youll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! Youre a real jerk.
Mostly Cs: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but hes terrified of what you might do.

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Usually everyone who has a dog would call him Rover or something, well I call mine Sex. Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew how embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 oclock in the morning. I said, I was looking for Sex.

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said I would like to have one too! When I said But this is a dog, he said he didnt care what she looked like. Then I said, You dont understand. Ive had Sex since I was two years old.

He replied, You must have been a strong boy.

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex.

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, You dont understand. Sex keeps me awake at night, and the clerk said,Me too.

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, Show off! I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married and the Judge said, Me too.

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, Me too.

Well now Ive been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, What seems to be the trouble?

I replied, Well, Sex has died and left my life. Its like losing a best friend and its so lonely.

The doctor said, Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isnt mans best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?

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