Month: May 2009

The farmer went into a lawyers office and said, I want one of them there dayvorces.

The lawyer said, Do you have grounds?

The farmer said, Yes, I have 140 acres.

The lawyer said, No you dont understand. Do you have a case?

The farmer said, No, I have a John Deere.

The lawyer said, You still dont understand. Do you have a grudge?

The farmer said, Yes, thats what I park my John Deere under every night.

The lawyer said, You still dont understand. Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, Yes, I wear it to church every Sunday.

The lawyer said, Does she beat you up?

The farmer said, No, we both get up about 4:30 every morning.

The lawyer said, Is she a nagger?

The farmer said, No, shes a little ol white gal, but the last youngen she had was a nagger. Thats why I want a dayvorce.

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A couple in their 80s were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, Where are you going? To the kitchen for a drink, he replies. She asks, Will you get me piece of cake? The husband says, Sure. She gently reminds him, Dont you think you should write it down so you dont forget it? He says, No, I can certainly remember that!

Then the woman says, Well, Id like some strawberries on top. Youd better write it down because I know youll forget it. The man replies, I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries.

She adds, Id also like whipped cream on top. Now Im certain youre gonna forget that, so youd better write it down ok. Irritated, he says, I dont need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cakewith strawberries! And whipped cream! He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, Wheres my toast?

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Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

Why? asks the father.
The teacher asked How much is 2 x 3? I said 6.
But thats right!
Then she asked me How much is 3 x 2?
Whats the fucking difference? asks the father.
Thats what I said!

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A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that shes a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.

Is it true youre a prostitute?

Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?

Well, I dunno. What do you charge?

I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..

$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?

You see that Ferrari out there?

The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough theres a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, its worth it.

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience hes ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night hes back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

Last night was incredible!

Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs..

How much is that?

$500″

$500!?! Cmon, thats ridiculous!

You see that apartment building across the street?

The guy looks out front at a 12-story apartment building.

I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, its worth it.

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints…. twice.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. Im hooked, youre the best! Tell me, whatll it cost me for some pussy?

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street. There between the buildings he can see Manhattan.

You see that island?

Aw, cmon! You cant mean that!

She nods her head. You bet. If I had a pussy, Id own Manhattan!

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