A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
Theyve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator! he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.
Never mind, he said with a hiccup, I got in the back seat by mistake.
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Dustin and Jane (both blonde) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, What ever possessed you to study Russian?
The couple said proudly, We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so hell start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.
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Three friends were playing golf one beautiful Sunday morning, as usual, and they never missed a weekend. As one of them was about to take the first tee a guy, by himself, asked if he could join their flight. The friends looked at each other and figured sure, why not, as they havent played with anyone else in quite some time.
So they teed off and all four were getting along pretty well. Right about the turn, on the 9th hole, they were all chit chatting and getting to know one another. Curious, one of the friends asked the new guy what he did for a living and, funny enough, he told them he was a hitman. They all kind of laughed it off, and asked him again – this time seriously.
The stranger said No really, Im hitman. My gun is in my golf bag, I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you dont believe me, Ive never been dishonest.
So one of the guys in the group decided to take him up on the offer and, opening the bag, sure enough revealed a really nice rifle with huge scope mounted at the top. He got all excited about it. He said WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look through it?
Sure, said the stranger.
So the man looked around for a second and said HELL YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. Theres my wife, naked. Sweet! Isnt she beautiful? WAIT! Theres my next door neighbor! Hes naked too! And hes in my room!
This upset the golfer, terribly, so he asked the hitman how much he would charge for a hit. The hit man replied Its $1000 every time I pull the trigger. The man said $1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. Shes always nagging at me and I cant stand it. Then I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the crotch, for screwing around with my wife.
The hit man agrees, gears up and takes aim through the scope. Hes looking for what has to be 10 minutes. The golfer begins to get impatient and asks the hitman what hes waiting for. The hitman replies kind of anxiously, Just hold on a minute…. Im about to save you a thousand bucks!
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Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, I dont have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so Im stumped.
His buddy said, I have an idea – why dont you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it – shell probably be thrilled.
So the thats what Rich did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, Well? Did you take my suggestion?
Yes, I did, said Joe.
Did she like it? His buddy asked.
Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling Ill be back in an hour!
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