A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a womans breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.

Onions?

Yes, you see them and they make you cry.

This infuriated the wife and daughter. So the daughter said Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?

The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a mans twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.

A Christmas tree?

Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!

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A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. How much is that Barbie in the window?, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.

The guy asks, Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?

Thats obvious, the assistant states, Divorced Barbie comes with Kens house, Kens car, Kens boat, Kens furniture….

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A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but alw ays promised not to take a case if he felt he couldnt help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you.

On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wifes love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

Then next, maam, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut. The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us.

Well, all right, the doctor said. On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios….

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for 13 margaritas. The bartender abruptly replies, Wow sir, that sure is a lot, whats the occasion?

MargaritaSo the guy sits down on a stool, hangs his head and tells the curious bartender, Well, my first blow job. The bartender smiles and replies, Yea, thats a splendid occasion indeed. Let me get you one more drink, on the house!

Nah, the guy replies…. If thirteen doesnt get the taste out, nothing will.

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