Month: October 2009

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I get to work, late. My boss fires me. When I leave the building, I find out my car was stolen.

The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there but it’s too late because the cab driver has already driven away.”

“I get home, and find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave, and come to this bar. Just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

“““““

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I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I was out of vacation time. I figured the best way to get the boss to send me home was to act a little crazy — he’d think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the next day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers (she’s blonde … it’ll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing.

“Shh,” I said, “I’m acting crazy to get a few days off. I’m a light bulb.”

A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing. “I’m a light bulb!” I exclaimed.

“You’re going crazy,” he said. “Take a few days off.”

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker (the blonde) started following me, and the boss asked where she was going.

“I can’t work in the dark,” she said.

“““““

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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could by him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.

The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”. “I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man. The first man responds, “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”

“Of course,” replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks. Curious, the first man asks, “Where in Ireland asre you from?”

“Dublin,” comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it says the first man.

“I’m from Dublin too Let’s have another drink to Dublin!” the men both continue drinking.

Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”

“St. Mary’s,” replied the second man. “i graduated in ’62.”

“This is unbelivable, “the first man says. “I went to St. Mary’s and i grduated in ’62, too!”

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

“What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.

“Nothing much” replies the bartender. “the O’Mally twins are drunk again.”

“““““

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I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (ok in Texas)

Sorry, officer, i didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

Aren’t you the guy from the village people?

Hey, you must’ve been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me.

Are you Andy or Barney?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

I pay your salary!

Gee, officer, that’s terrific! the last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. yes, i know there are no other cars around, that’s how far ahead of me they are.

——-

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