An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crisssssssco!”

Soon a store clerk approaches and says, “Lady, the Crisco is in aisle D.”

The old lady replies, “Oh, I’m not looking for the cooking stuff. I’m calling my husband.”

The clerk is astonished. “Your husband’s name is Crisco?”

The old lady answers, “Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we’re out in public.”

“I see,” said the clerk. “What do you call him at home?”

“Lard ass.”

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What does Dracula drink at breakfast?
Coffin with scream and sugar.

Where does a ghost go on vacation?
Mali-boo.

What do they teach at Witches school?
Spelling.

Why does a witch ride a broom?
Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.

What do you call a witch’s garage?
A broom closet.

What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates.

Why don’t mummies take vacations?
They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.

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10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t
remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only X-Man in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

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The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn’t considered the drive across town.

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”

The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

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