Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Pedigree Dog Food for Buddy, our hunting dog, and was standing in line at Wal-Mart getting ready to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought was “where’s your sign lady” but decided to go with it…SO…On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Pedigree Weight Loss Diet again.

I said I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital the last time. But that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is; you load your pants pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete… so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story to say the least.

Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

She got upset. Made a complaint. WAL-MART asked me not to shop there anymore. It was worth it.

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I won’t apologize, Lisa. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way that I am.

Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

God can’t be everywhere, right?

Good things don’t end in ‘eum’, they end in ‘mania’… or ‘teria’.

Goodbye, Lisa. Remember me as I am… filled with murderous rage!

I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman!

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

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A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class “In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor – the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body.”

For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cow’s butt, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just standthere, paralyzed at what they see. “Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you,” the professor says.

Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson… “Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow’s butt, and I sucked on my index finger… Now, learn to pay attention.”

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Johnny and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch. Johnny gets up and goes to the shed in the back yard and takes out some chicken wire. Grandpa says what are you going to do with that? Johnny says, gonna catch me some chickens. It dont work like that grandpa says. Just watch me replies Johnny.

An hour later Johnny returns with two chickens one in each hand. Holy shit thought grandpa, Johnny went back to the shed. This time he has some duck tape. Again granpa asks, What are going to do with that. Johnny says; gonna catch me some ducks. It dont work like that grandpa says. Watch me said Johnny.

An hour later here came Johnny with two ducks one in each hand. Holy shit grandpa thought again. Johnny went back to the shed, this time he had a stick. Grandpa asks whatcha gonna do with that? Johnny says some pussywillow. Grandpa says, let me go get my coat!

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