Month: March 2013

A middle aged woman walks into a grocery store, she has been single for the past 5 years and is extremely lonely. She proceeds to collect a few things here and there from throughout the store. Lip balm, a gallon of milk, a few rolls of paper towels, chicken pot pies, and laundry detergent.

When she finishes finding all of her items she proceeded to the checkout counter. Immediately after she got in line a man came up behind her and began to wait as well. He had a 12 pack with him and was obviously drunk. He was staring at her groceries then up at her, swaying back and forth trying to keep balance.

You must be single? he asked her.

Normally she would ignore a stranger talking to her, especially one this drunk, but she was for some reason slightly intrigued. She noticed he kept looking at her groceries and up at her. Maybe he thought she was single based off what she was purchasing. Maybe he could point out something that would help her find someone to love.

Yes, I am single, she said. But can you tell me something? How can you tell Im single? she said as she looked down at the few things in her basket.

cause…… he struggled to stand up and looked her in the eye. cause you’re ugly.

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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

——-

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A mother, father, and their 8 year old son are driving home from baseball practice when out of nowhere a dildo was thrown out of a car in front of them and slammed into the windshield. The boy in the back seat was startled and asked “mommy what was that?” The couple looked at each other, not sure how to respond. Finally the mother said “oh don’t worry honey, it was just a bug.” The little boy then said “I’m surprised that thing could even get off the ground with a dick that big.”

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The elementary class was learning about addition.

The teacher asks little cindy, “If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?”

cindy thinks about it for a few seconds and says, “Seven.”

The teacher says, “No, let’s try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more.”

cindy spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, “Seven.”

The teacher says, “Let’s try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?”

cindy says, “Six.”

The teacher says, “Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?”

cindy again says, “Seven.”

The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at cindy, “Why do you keep saying seven?!”

cindy says, “Because… I’ve already got a cat!”

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