Month: July 2013

A magician worked on a cruise ship, the audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, “Look, Its not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” Or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the Captain’s’ parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … With the parrot…

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day… And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said…..”Alright, good one but i can’t take it any longer, what did you do with the ship???”

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Little Johnny was all set to start grade three. On his first day, Little Johnny’s dad insisted on taking him inside to meet with the teacher.

Once there, Johnny’s dad took the teacher aside and said, “Mrs. Krewson, I’m Johnny’s father. I want to warn you in advance that Johnny has a gambling problem. He will try to bet on anything he can whenever he can. I need your help to try and stop him from gambling.” Mrs. Krewson agrees and Johnny’s father leaves.

At lunch time, Johnny goes up to her and says, “Mrs. Krewson, I’ll bet you $50 that I can guess what colour your panties are. They’re pink.” The teacher is taken aback but figures that since she is wearing a solid black skirt, it’s an easy bet to win. She tells Johnny to hang back after school.

Near the end of the school day, the principal comes to the classroom door and Mrs. Krewson goes to speak to him. After he leaves, she slips into the coat closet and removes her pink panties and returns to the class.

After the final bell, Johnny is waiting at his desk. Mrs. Krewson walks over to him and tells Johnny that he owes her $50 because her panties aren’t pink. She takes Johnny over to the coat closet and lifts her skirt to show him that she didn’t have pink panties – she didn’t have anything on at all! Johnny agrees to pay her the $50 tomorrow.

Johnny walks outside to get his ride home and Mrs. Krewson follows him out. Johnny’s father gets out of the car and she asks if she can speak to him.

“Mr. Eldon, I think I’ve cured Johnny of his gambling problem. Don’t be mad, but he bet me $50 that he could guess the colour of my panties and he was wrong. I wasn’t wearing any. Now he owes me.”

“Damn it!”, Johnny’s father says.

“What’s the matter?”

“That little bastard bet me $100 today that he’d get the teacher to show him her crotch on the first day!”

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Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate’s been hit by a car. Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and Ears and I tink both his legs are broken.’ Operator: ‘What is your location sir?’ Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ….’ Operator: ‘How do you spell that sir?’ Silence…. (heavy breathing) and after a minute. Operator: ‘Are you there sir?’ More heavy breathing and another minute later. Operator: ‘Sir, can you hear me?’ This goes on for another few minutes until…. Operator: ‘Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?’ Paddy: ‘Yes, sorry bout dat… I couldn’t spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .’

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A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks “Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber look around the shop and says “about 2 hours,” and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks…”how long before I can get a haircut?”

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says “about 2 hours.” The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks “how long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says “about an hour and a half”. The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says “Hey, Jack, I’ll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes.”

In a little while, Jack comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, “this must be good, where did he go when he left here?”

Jack says, “To your house!”

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