W: Houston, we have a problem
H: What is it?
W: Nevermind its nothing
H: What is the problem?
W: Nothing…
H: Let us know the problem.
W: If you don’t know the problem, I’m not going to tell you.
H: Tell us what the problem is!
W: NO!
——-
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A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry Mr. Sam,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase.
“Oh, my God!” she screamed, “Sam is dead!”
“““““
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Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, “How ya doin?”
Paddy says, “Okay, but do me a favor mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, my feet are freezing.”
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy’s gorgeous twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, “Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you both.”
They say, “Get away with ya… prove it.”
Mick shouts downstairs, “Paddy, both of them?”
Paddy shouts back, “Of course both of them, whats the point of f*ckin one?”
“““““
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A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string.
He walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby “I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here.” She glares at him and replies “get outta here. you’re too young to be here.” The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says “look, lady- I’m paid. Let me do what I want.”
She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. “Meet Helen, she’s a veteran.” He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, “Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I’ve gotten what I wanted.” Confused, she asks him why.
He replies,
“My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That’s what she’s into. She’s going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman… and HE’s the bastard who ran over my frog.”
——-
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