Month: February 2014

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn’t find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:

Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won’t beat me, won’t leave me, and is good in bed.

About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch.

“I’m here about your ad,” he says.

“You must be mistaken,” she says.

“Let me explain,” he says. “I can’t beat you, I don’t have any arms. And I can’t run away because I don’t have any legs.”

“But,” she asks, “How do I know you’re good in bed?”

“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

“““““

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There was once an Irish actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and could no longer remember his lines.

After many years, he finds himself in the St. John’s Theatre in Newfoundland, where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The Irish actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just his thumb and one finger he delivered the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

“You bloody fool!” he cried! “You have ruined me!”

The Irish actor was bewildered! “What happened, did I forget my line?”

“No!” screamed the director. “You forgot the rose!”

——-

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Dugly walks into his boss’s office.

“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5 per cent raise, and Dugly happily gets up to leave.

“By the way”, asks the boss as Dugly is getting up, “which three companies are after you?”

“The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Dugly replied.

“““““

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus. He sets the octopus on the bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you $50 this octopus can play any instrument you have.” The bartender agrees and directs him to a piano in the corner. After the octopus sits down and plays a few bars the man asks the bartended to pay up.

“Hold on” says the bartender and hands over a guitar. The octopus takes the guitar, gives it a quick tune and plays a little song. The man again asks the bartender to pay up. “Just a minute, I think I’ve got something else here.” The bartender disappears into the back room for a couple of minutes, comes back out and puts a set of bagpipes down on the bar.

The octopus moves around it, looking confused, picking up the pipes one at a time and putting them back down until the man says, “what’s wrong? Can’t you play it?” The octopus says, “play it? If I can figure out how to get its pajamas off, I’m gonna screw it!”

“““““

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