The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail.

About 6 weeks later God reviews the lists and realizes that the engineer has been sent to the wrong place. So he rings up Lucifer and demands that the engineer be sent up. Lucifer says “NO WAY. This guy was the best thing to ever happen here. He’s got the AC working, we have running water and cable now too, and next week he thinks we will get internet access and an ice cream machine.” God is pissed and yelling says “I’ll sue”. Lucifer says “ya okay, but where are you going to get a lawyer?”

“““““

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.”

——-

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So she goes to the local pet store and asks the shopkeeper if he has any parrots.

“Well I’ve just got this one right now but I have to warn you he used to belong to an old sailor and he’s picked up some nasty words. Why don’t you come back next week.” He said.

“No that’s quite alright. I know just how to handle him.”

So she pays for the bird and brings him home and sure enough once he gets home he starts cussing up a storm so the old lady takes him and throws him in the freezer. After 5 minutes she takes him out and he’s shivering and shaking and says “I’m so sorry I’ll never curse again.”

Well a couple of weeks go by and he’s behaving himself until the old lady brings some friends over and he starts swearing and cussing and calling them all sorts of horrible names. So she grabs the bird and throws him the freezer. After 10 minutes she takes him out and asks “Well did you learn your lesson?”

And the parrot is blue and shivering and shaking and says “Yes Yes I did. I’m so sorry I’ll never swear again! I promise!”

So a few months go by and the bird starts up again swearing and yelling and saying things the lady couldn’t have imagined in her worst nightmares so she grabs the parrot and throws him in the freezer. Just then her best friend Lucy called and they started talking and talking and before she’d realized it 2 hours had gone by!

She runs over to the freezer and opened the door and found the parrot iced over and barely alive. And the parrot says “I’m soo sooo sorry. I promise I’ll never swear again ever, but please, please, I just, I have to know…

What did the Turkey say?”

“““““

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A man dies and goes to hell, upon his arrival, Satan says to him, “I’m in a good mood today. Tell you what, there are 3 doors here, behind each door are people being tortured. I’ll let you look and choose which one you would prefer for all eternity.”

So the man looks behind the first door and sees a man being poked with pitchforks, over and over. “I don’t think I’d like that” he says and looks behind the second door.

He sees a man shackled to a bench with flames burning him all over. “Nope, don’t want that one either!” he says.

Satan leads him to the third door, where he sees a really ugly old man, hands shackled to a wall, getting a BJ from a really pretty blonde girl. The man gets excited and shouts, “That one! I’ll take this punishment for all eternity!”

Satan then taps the blonde on the shoulder and says, “You can go now, we’ve found a replacement!”

“““““

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