An old man calls up his son and says, “Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. “I’m sick of her face, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” and calls her father immediately. “You’re not getting divorced! Don’t do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don’t call a lawyer, don’t file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says “Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfare.”

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A guy goes hunting. A gust of wind blew. The gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

“Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot..”

“What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter.

“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”

“Well I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

“Not exactly,” answered the doctor.

“She’s a flute player in the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye..”

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Suzy gets invited to go to her first high-school party with alcohol. Her mother is no fool and understands how teenagers are, so she sits Suzy down and gives her the talk “Now Suzy. it is normal for girls and boys your age to begin to have sex. It is natural and nothing to be ashamed of , BUT if you do have sex you need to make the boy wear a condom.

Now, most boys just despise wearing condoms so you’re going to have to be clever to get them to wear one. If the boy doesn’t want to wear a condom, tell him you have crabs. If that doesn’t convince him to wear one, tell him that you have gonorrhea. If THAT doesn work, tell him you have herpes. If even THAT doesn’t work, tell him you have AIDS.” So suzy goes to her party and sure enough her and a cute boy end up in a bedroom fooling around. They’re about to have sex and Suzy stops him and tells him to put on a condom.

He says its fine they don’t need one, so she tells him she has crabs. He tells her he doesn’t care lets have sex. So she tells him she has gonerrhea and he says he still doesn’t care. Then she tells him she has herpes and he still doesn’t care. She finally tells him that she has AIDS and even THAT doesn’t stop him and they start banging! When they’re finished Suzy says “Wow, you must really really like me if none of that stopped you from wanting me!” and the boy goes “nah, I just already have all those”

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One of them spots a hole in the ground that looks unusually deep. He picks up a rock and throws it in the hole, and never hears it hit the bottom. “Try something heavier?”, the other man suggests.

They find a rusty old anvil nearby, pick it up and throw it down the hole. Five seconds later a goat comes speeding toward the hole and falls in. “What the hell was that?”, one of the men say.

Just then another man runs up and says “Please, have you seen my goat anywhere?!”. “Yes”, they reply,”We just saw him run this way and jump into this hole!” The man says, “That’s impossible I had him tied to an anvil.”

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