A man is on his way to the movie theater when a goose starts following him.

He gets to the theater and the goose is right behind him. He asks for a ticket to the movie and the theater owner meets him at the door and say “I’m sorry but you can’t bring that goose in here.”

The man replies “it’s been following me for the past mile and a half, I can’t get rid of him.” The manager says “that’s not my fault, I’m sorry but I can’t let you in with that goose.”

So the man goes around the corner and stuffs the goose down his pants. He heads back and hands the manager the ticket at the door and heads in. He heads straight to his theater door and sees that it’s a pretty crowded theater, so he finds a seat next to two old ladies.

The movie starts and the lights get dim, it’s at this point the goose starts getting agitated and rustles around in the mans pants. The goose starts rustling more and more and even starts grunting.

At this point the man unzips his zipper and allows the goose to pop his head out and stretch his neck. This catches the eye of one of the little old ladies, she is baffled by this, turns to her friend and says “at my age, you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all, but this one’s eating my popcorn!”

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By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere.” he pleaded. “Or just a bed–I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired traveler assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope. I shut him up in no time?”

“How’d you manage that?”

“He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room,” John said. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’ The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’ The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped. The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put 50€ in the poor box.’ The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’ The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the 50€ on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

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A custodian is cleaning at the church where he works, suddenly a priest frantically approaches him

“son, i need you to do me a favor! I have a golf game I must go to but there’s a woman who just came in for confession. I need you to go into the confession booth, listen to this woman’s sins and tell her how many hail marys she must do. It’s very easy, here’s a list of sins and how many hail mary’s each sin warrents. Thanks and good luck!”

The custodian reluctantly agrees and he goes into the confession booth as the priest sneaks away to go play golf.

The woman starts confessing her sins “forgive me father for I have sinned, I lied to someone” The Custodian looks at the list, see’s ‘lying – 10 hail mary’s’ and says “my child, do 10 hail mary’s and you’re absolved from this sin”. This goes on for a while and suddenly the woman says “forgive me father for I have sinned, I gave a man a blowjob” The custodian is looking all up and down the list but doesn’t see ‘blowjob’ anywhere. Panicked, he asks the woman to excuse him for a minute. As he walks out of the confession booth he see’s an alter boy “Hey, what does father usually give for a blowjob”? he whispers. The alter boy replys “usually a snickers bar”

“““““

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