A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1.

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. “Better start running” she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she… ahem… rewards him… then he steps on the scale. He lost 1 pound!

As he leaves he sees a new sign next door. “Lose 2 pounds for $2”. He pays, enters. This time there are two gorgeous naked women in running shoes. They say “Better start running.” He does, chasing them around the track. Two hours later he catches them. He is doubly… rewarded. On his way out the scale shows he lost 2 pounds!

The man leaves. Sure enough, next door there is a final sign: “Lose 3 pounds for $3.” By now the fat man is exhausted and can barely walk… but he cannot resist. He pays and enters. The door slams shut behind him and locks.

Alone on the running track is a 6’4″ muscular male body builder, naked except for running shoes. The naked athlete points down at his enormous erection, smiles at the fat man and says…

“Better start running.”

“““““

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Three female spies – a blonde, brunette, and a redhead – are captured by the enemy and sentenced to die before a firing squad. On the morning of the execution they take the redhead out of the holding cell, blindfold her, and put her up against the wall.

The firing squad shoulders their rifles. The command comes: “Ready, aim…”

Suddenly the redhead yells, “TORNADO!”

Panicked, the riflemen drop their guns and go running away in all directions. The prisoner manages to escape during the confusion.

“Hey, did you see that?” says the brunette to her cellmate.

“I don’t get it,” says the blonde.

“She yelled out the name of a natural disaster, then escaped when the firing squad ran away. I’m gonna try that!”

So they take the brunette out and put her against the wall. “Ready, aim…”

“FLOOD!” shouts the brunette, and she escapes when the panicked soldiers go running.

“Oh, I get it!” says the blonde.

So they reassemble the riflemen and bring out the blonde. They put her up against the wall. “Ready, aim…”

And the blonde throws back her head and yells, “FIRE!!”

“““““

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Two nuns are sitting on a bench.

A guy in a trench coat comes up and flashes them.

One of the nuns has a stroke.

The other couldn’t quite reach.

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he’s pouring it the bartender asks “So what’s the story with the leg?”

“Well it were many a year ago,” says the pirate. “I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night.”

“That’s terrible,” says the bartender. “What about the hand?”

“Well it were the very next day,” says the pirate. “I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night.”

“Wow,” says the bartender. “So what about the eye?”

“Well it were the very next day,” says the pirate. “I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!”

“Oh man,” says the bartender. “And that blinded you?”

“Well no,” says the pirate. “But it were me first day with the hook.”

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