At the end of the tax year, The Taxation Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question,” noted the executive. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. ”What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the executive, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. “Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the executive. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”

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An old lady walks into a bank with $10,000 in cash and says that she would like to deposit it into an account. The male banker asks her where in the world she got $10,000. “Oh, I’m just really good at making bets,” says the old lady.

“really, you made all this money from betting?” asks the banker.

“Yep,” said the old lady. “I’ll make a bet with you just to prove it. I will bet you $5,000 that your balls are square.”

stunned, not expecting to hear something like this, the banker replies that this is untrue.

“Oh yes, I bet you your balls are square. Tell you what, I’ll leave and come back tomorrow after you’ve had time to go home and check for yourself”.

The banker thinks to himself that this woman is clearly nuts, but thinks this is quite an easy way to make $5,000 since he is certain his balls are not square.

Next day comes around, and the old woman shows up with a man with her. The banker wonders who the man is, but shrugs it off.

“Okay, sonny, drop your pants, let’s see em! I have to inspect them to make sure I was right,” says the old woman. The banker does this and the old woman closely examines the banker’s balls.

“well, it looks like you were right, they are not square!” says the old woman.

As she does this, the man she was with starts crying. The banker is confused.

“what’s with him?” he asks.

“Oh, I bet him $20,000 I’d have your pants down and your balls in my hands by the time we left”.

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There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive! “The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!” Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, “Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?” The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, “Circumcision is not meant to kill.”

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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: “When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times.”

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat.”

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