One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ”How much is the yellow one?” The assistant says, ”$2000.” The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive. The assistant explains, ”This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.” ”What about the green one?” the man asks. The assistant says, ”He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.” ”What about the red one?” the man asks. The assistant says, ”That one’s $10,000.” The man says, ”What does HE do?” The assistant says, ”I don’t know, but the other two call him boss.”

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Dugly has been eyeing this girl at school for months now, infatuate with her big booty. There’s a big dance coming up. He knows she doesn’t have a date, and he would give anything to go with her- but there’s a problem. Whenever he gets close to her, he gets an erection that would rival that of Charlie Sheen in an unsupervised pharmacy.

He thinks he has a solution: just call her! He calls her, and stutters a bit on the phone, but she finds his stammering cute and accepts his proposal. “Pick me up at seven,” she says. “Oh joyous day!” says Dugly. His joy is short-lived, however, because he realizes that he has only delayed the inevitable. How can he conceal his boner? He tries a number of solutions, including willpower, distractions, baggy pants– nothing works.

Finally, he decides to just tie it to his leg. Feeling confident, he heads off to her house. He’s all dressed up, he brought her flowers, his car is cleaned, everything is in order. He walks up to the door and rings the bell. She opens the door. He kicks her in the face.

——-

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Three are sitting at a bar.

First one holds up four fingers “I can take that inside me” she says.

“Well, I can take this” says the second, holding up a fist.

The third one slides slowly down the bar stool.

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A father and son are having the talk about sex.

After a few minutes, the son says, “Dad, I know all that stuff. We went over it in Health class.”

Dad says, “Well, do you have any questions?”

“Yeah, I have one about condoms.”

“What do you need to know?”

“When I was in the drugstore, I saw that they sell them by the dozen. Who needs that many at once?”

“That’s an easy one, son. You saw that they sell packages of three. High schoolers buy those. One for Friday, one for Saturday, one for the rest of the week. They also sell packages of six. College students buy those. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, two for the rest of the week.”

“OK dad, but what about the dozen?”

“Married people buy those. One for January, one for February…”

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