Month: October 2014

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too… I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.” The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her… what does she look like?” The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?’ To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, — let’s look for yours.”

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Johnny’s mom is in the kitchen and she decides to check on her son who is playing in the living room.

Little Johnny is playing with his train set, he pulls the train into the station and says, “Whoever needs to get the hell off the train, and who ever needs to come on the train get the hell on.”

Little Johnny’s mom is furious and pulls him by the arm and throws him in his room and says to him, “You will stay in here until you learn not to curse.”

3 hours go by and little Johnny comes out of his room and says to his mother that he learned his lesson. Little Johnny goes back to his train and he says, “All passengers please climb aboard the train.” He watches his mother smile and walk back into the kitchen and then start to wash the dishes.

Little Johnny then turns to his train and says; “If anyone was wondering about the 3 hour delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen.”

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A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and tells him if he sees any germans to point the broom handle at them and shout “BANG BANG BANGITY BANG” to kill them. The recruit thinks this is the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard but he has no choice so he agrees and heads out. While on patrol he comes across a German soldier. The German reaches for his rifle, so with no other option the recruit points his broom and shouts “BANG BANG BANGITY BANG” and to his surprise the German drops dead. When he arrives back he immediately thanks the captain.

A couple of weeks went by and our guy had become quite the crackshot, even having a telescopic sight fixed to his broom. One day he was scouting the enemy position from under some bushes when he bumps into a German crawling the other way, in the cramped space he barely manages to point his broom at the German in time, so he returns to his captain and demands a weapon for close quarters combat. The captain takes a piece of string out of his drawer and tells him to hit an enemy with it and shout “STAB STAB STABBITY STAB”. This time he trusts the captain and sure enough it works great.

Another couple of weeks go by and our guy is a legend. He kills dozens of Germans with his broom and string and receives several awards. One day while on patrol in a forest he sees a crazy German soldier in the distance running towards him and shouting at the top of his voice. He is pretty confident in his abilities, takes careful aim and shouts “BANG BANG BANGITY BANG” but the German keeps on coming. He aims again “BANG BANG BANGITY BANG” and again nothing. The German is getting really close so he takes out his string, but as he swings it out and shouts “STAB STAB STABBITY STAB” the German just runs straight into him, knocking him clear off his feet into a tree and breaking several bones. As he lies there dying the German slows down and comes back for a look. He finds our hero lying crushed on the ground asking how this happened. He laughs, turns around and runs off, resuming his shouts of “TANK TANK TANKITY TANK”.

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