This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

submitted 5 hours ago by Arrow_Z

Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”

Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”

Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”

Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

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Walking past a lunatic asylum , and I could hear the inmates shouting 13, 13, 13, 13, curiosity got the better of me but the walls were too tall to see over. All the time they kept on shouting 13, 13, 13.

Finally I found a hole in the wall so I took a peep and some fool poked me in the eye with a stick and then they started shouting 14, 14, 14, 14,

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I said to my girlfriend, “Please get me a newspaper.”

“Don’t be silly,” she replied, “you can borrow my iPad.”

That spider never knew what frickin hit it.

A man goes to see a wizard and says:

“Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?”

“Maybe,” says the wizard, “Can you remember the exact words of the curse?”

The man replies, “I pronounce you man and wife.”