Month: April 2015

A cop on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then the police officer decided to look through the window. He shouted, “Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.” I said, “You’re not coming in mate!”

He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”

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In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male, both nude. These two statues faced each other for many, many years.

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, “The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people that have visited the park over the years. I am hereby authorized by God to give you the greatest wish that can be bestowed on you…

I grant you the gift of life ~ albeit as a limited offer. You have 30 minutes to do whatever your hearts desire.”

And with that command, the two statues came to life. They smiled at each other, slowly moved their limbs about in wonderment, looked all around and then at their own bodies and finally back at each other. Still smiling they then ran to the nearby woods and dived behind a large bush.

The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, looking extremely satisfied and wearing nothing but even bigger smiles than before.

Puzzled, the angel looked at her watch and said to them, “You still have fifteen minutes. Wouldn’t you like to continue?”

The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”

“Oh, Yes!”, the female statue replied. “But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and ‘I’ll crap on it’s head!”
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The cops arrest a truck driver for running over 50 people. They take him to the interrogation room and start questioning him. After a while they tell him to explain what happened as honestly as he could. The truck driver starts,

“I was driving and realized that I had lost all possible means of braking or even slowing down the truck.”

“Go on”.

“I was losing control and had to steer the truck onto a large ground besides the road, to avoid collision with the traffic.”

“Then?”

“I was still unable to slow the truck down, then I realized, to my horror, that I had to make a choice: I could have either steered the truck towards the large crowd which was there for the concert and killed several people or I could have steered the truck towards a hotdog stand where there were only 2 people”

“You moron! Why didn’t you choose to kill the people near the hotdog stand?”

“I did, officer! I crushed one under my truck, but the other one ran into the crowd.”

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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight Off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so He could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’

The burglar relaxed.. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’
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