Month: May 2015

Three men arrive at the pearly gates and St. Peter tells them that Heaven is pretty crowded right now, so only people with the most horrific deaths can enter, everyone else has to wait until more room is made. He asks each man in turn how they died.

The first man says well, I lived on the 5th floor of an apartment building in downtown New York. I had been suspecting my wife of cheating on me for quite some time, so I came home from work a few hours early to catch her in the act. She’s in bed, naked, but said he was just hot and tired so I quickly started to search for her lover. I searched the whole house and couldn’t find him until I went out to the balcony, and sure enough there the sonofabitch was, hanging from the guard rail. I started to punch and kick him, but he wouldn’t fall, so I finally took off my shoe and began to hit his hands with it. He finally fell, and in my rage and adrenaline rush I grabbed the refrigerator and threw it off the balcony. I apparently died of a heart attack from over exertion.

St. Peter looks at the man and says “wow, that’s pretty horrible, go on in.” Then asks the second man for his story.

Well, I live on the 6th floor of an apartment building in New York city. I came home from work a bit early and, like always, got myself a cup of tea and went to my balcony to drink it while enjoying the view and fresh air. I must have lost my balance somehow, because I fell off. Fortunately I grabbed the guard rail of the floor below me and held on for dear life. Eventually someone came to help me, but to my dismay he started punching and kicking me instead. I held on for as long as I could, but he eventually took off his shoe and started hitting my hands, I finally fell. To my surprise I woke up in the bushes with only some scrapes and scratches, just in time to see a refrigerator falling from the balcony. It landed on me and I died.

St. Peter looks at him and again says “wow, that’s pretty terrible, go on in.” He then asks the third man about his death.

Third guy says “ok, picture this, I’m naked in a refrigerator….”

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A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree. He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.

He tells the homeowner “I’m going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas genitals and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs.” The homeowner, a little bewildered, says “that’s crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?”

“If I fall out of the tree first….shoot the chihuahua.”

——-

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Four students plan to arrive late to their final exam so they can take it the next day.

By the time they arrive the exam is almost over, so they head over to the professor to ask if they can take it the next day. They tell him they tried their best to come on time, but their tire blew out and it took too long to replace it.

The professor tells them, “Don’t worry about it. You can take it today and, since there’s almost no time left, you only have to answer one question. If you get it right, I’ll give you an A on the test.” The students, thinking this is even better than they thought, excitedly take their seats and look at the question:

Which tire blew out?

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A driver is pulled over by a cop…

The cop approaches the drivers door.

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

The cop says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving.”

The cop is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The cop says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what?”

“She’s in the trunk if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”

“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

“Murdered the owner?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?”

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says, “Yes” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.”

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”

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