Month: September 2015

So the Pope is on state visit to the US and is traveling in his limousine towards the hotel from JFK. Halfway there he tries to convince his chauffeur if he may drive it himself.

“Sorry mr Pope. ‘Tis against company policy for clients to drive.”

“Yeah but can’t you make an exception just for today? Come on. The Vatican is too small for driving around and this thing sounds like it’s got a V8 in it.”

So after a lot of haggling the chauffeur relents. This is the Pope after all.

The Pope gets behind the wheel and the driver slides into the back. His holiness then promptly tries to see how fast the limo would go. Needless to say, a state trooper pulls him over.

After the Pope has winded down the drivers window the state trooper loses all color in his face.

He pulls out his radio: “C-c-control, this is unit 4. Need advice on procedure after pulling over a VIP for speeding.”

Control responds: “Unit 4. You know the drill. No exceptions for VIP’s according to state law.”

He looks at the Pope again.

“Er… I don’t think you quite understand. This is actually VVIP.”

Control gets agitated: “Damn you unit 4. So who exactly is this VVIP?”

“I think it’s God because the Pope is his chauffeur.”

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For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $250,000 & your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Patrick told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with an $250,000 mortgage and no bike!”
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A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

“What…you coming empty handed?”

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A middle aged man is at his local RiteAid Pharmacy. He needs to buy condoms, but he doesn’t know what size he needs.

So he asks the cashier at the checkout line. She reaches over the counter, grabs his crotch, and calls out over the intercom, “Medium condoms needed at register 3!”

An older gentleman has the same problem later that day, so the woman grabs his crotch and calls out, “Large condoms needed at register 3!”

A few minutes later a 16 year old boy walks in with the same dilemma. The woman grabs his crotch and calls out, “Clean-up at register 3!”

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