A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: “Does any one of you already know how to swim?”

Then the little Jerry, all excited, answered: “Yes! I do!”

The thing is, the little Jerry has no arms.

So the lifeguard doesn’t really trust him but the little Jerry insists: “Yeah yeah I can assure you!”

The lifeguard finally tells him to give it a try.

Unexpectedly, the little Jerry swims very well. To the point that the lifeguard asks him: “Where did you learn to swim like that?!”

Little Jerry: “Oh I have experience. Each week-end my father brings me to the coast, throw me into the water and I have to get back to the shore really quick.”

Lifeguard: “Well… It’s a little bit harsh for a method, don’t you think?”

Little Jerry: “Oh no it’s not that big of a deal. The most difficult part is to get out of the plastic bag”.

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3 men are drinking at a bar when a drunk wanders in. He staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best fuck in town!”

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your mom, and it was sweeeeeeeet!”

Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!”

Finally, the guy interrupts. “Go home, dad, you’re drunk.”

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A husband asks his wife

Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes?

Wife: Honey, of course I would.

Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears?

Wife: Absolutely sweetheart.

Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair?

Wife: You don’t need to ask. Why all the questions?

Husband: I just sprained my wrist…

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A little girl goes to the barbershop with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says: “You’re gonna get hair on your muffin!”

“I know”, she says… “I’m gonna get tits too, you dirty old bastard.”

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