An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table was literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand shakily made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when his wife suddenly smacked it with a spatula.

“Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral.”

“““““

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny’s mother says, “Let’s not be too harsh on them… they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.”

“Curious about sex?” replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her fucking appendix out!”

——-

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com

A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an English speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.

“Excuse me,” the husband says, “Could you tell us the time?”

“Absolutely”, replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and grabs the donkey’s balls. “It is 3:00”, the man exclaims.

“Thank you” replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way. After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to the old man for the time.

Again the elderly man grabs the donkey by the balls and says “It is now 4:45.”

By this time the husband is completely amazed. “Please show me how you can tell the time simply by grabbing this donkey’s balls!”

“Certainly,” the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer.

“Sit here where I am,” the man begins. “Now, do you see the donkey’s balls?”

“Of course”, the man replies.

“Now reach down and take them into your hand.” Hesitantly the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening experience.

“Now, slowly lift the donkey’s balls”, he continues. Again the husband does as he is instructed. “Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs.” The husband does just that.

“Now” the man says, “Can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?”
“““““

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com

Dugly goes to a hardware store to buy a chainsaw.

“You should buy this one,” the cashier says. “It can fell 1,000 trees in just one day.”

Dugly buys the chainsaw and leaves.

The next day he returns with an angry look on his face. “You sold me a piece of junk! I’ve been using this damn thing all day and I only cut down one tree!”

The cashier believes he’s cheated the man and gives him a brand new saw free of charge. Dugly takes it and leaves.

He comes back the next day even angrier than before. “This one’s just as bad as the one you sold me earlier!”

The cashier can’t believe that two of his best chainsaws would fail like that, so he decides to go home with Dugly and test the saws in the woods.

The cashier takes one chainsaw and turns it on.

Dugly was startled and says, “What the hell was that noise?”

“““““

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com