Three guys die and go to heaven.

God tells them, “Your vehicle in heaven will be determined based on how well you treated your wife.”

The first guy says, “I never cheated on my wife.” As such, he gets a Lamborghini.

The second guy says, “I cheated on my wife a little.” So he gets a used car.

The third guy says, “I cheated on my wife a lot.” So he gets a motorcycle.

The second and third guys see the first guy crying. They ask, “Why are you crying? You got the best vehicle of all.”

The first guy says, “I just saw my wife on rollerskates.”

“““““

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A man walks into a bar, and stays there for my entire childhood.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

I was wondering where the sun was, but then it dawned on me.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I’d like to tell you a story about my dick, but its too long.

I’d like to tell you a joke about my vag, but you wont get it.

My ex still misses me, but her aim is getting better

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

——-

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An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing.

The Greek man says “Look, all I’m saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!”

The Italian says “Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!”

The Greek man says “We invented the Democracy!”

The Italian says “We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!”

The Greek man says “Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!”

The Italian says “And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!”

The Greek man, frustrated, finally says “Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED sex!”

The Italian man says “That may be true, but we introduced it to women.”

——-

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