Month: June 2016

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”

“Sure.”, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

“What a nice lady”, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”

“Because we’ve got no teeth”, she replied.

“Then why do you buy them?”, I asked.

“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”

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A little Native American boy asks his chief how babies in their tribe get their names.

The chief replies, “When a baby is born, the father takes him outside of the teepee, holds him over his head, and names him after the first thing he sees – like ‘Running-Wolf’ or ‘Flying-Cloud’. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Screwing?”

“““““

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A man finds a penguin walking down the street .

He grabs the penguin and puts it in his car and starts to speed away when a cop pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the car and asks the man what he’s doing with the penguin.

“He was just walking down the road,” the man said.

“Well, take him to the zoo and I won’t give you a ticket for speeding.” The man agrees and drives away.

A week later the cop sees the same man drive by and he still has the penguin in the car. He pulls over the car again and says to the man, “I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!?”

“Yes,” the man says, ” I did. Today we’re going to the movies.”

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.” I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you”.

Saint Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?” “Couple of minutes ago.”

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