Rabbi asks a Catholic Priest how do confessions work.

The Catholic priest offers him to come on over and stay with him for a session and see how it works himself.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confession room. In a few minutes a man comes in and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Catholic Priest says, “What did you do?”

Man says, “I committed adultery.”

Priest says: “How many times?”

Man: “Three times.”

Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confession room. He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest says, “What did you do?”

Man says, “I committed adultery.”

Priest asks, “How many times?”

Man reply’s, “Three times.”

Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more.”

The Priest then asks the Rabbi a favor, if he can cover for him while he takes a piss. The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it.

A man comes in shortly and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi says, “What did you do?”

Man reply’s, “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi asks, “How many times?”

Man says “Twice.”

Rabbi thinks for a second and says, “We got 3 for $5 special going, so do it one more time and come back.”

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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave, the son asks, “Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?”

The father replies, “I don’t want them fucking your mother after I’m gone!”

——-

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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her labia reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’ The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:

‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.’

‘The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.’

‘And what about the third rose ?’ she asked.

‘That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!

“““““

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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, “Now remember….that’s all original leather. You can’t let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don’t have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off.”

The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time he’s ever eaten with her family.

“I should let you know the rule of the table” she said. “There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes.”

The guy doesn’t think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family’s house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mold and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs.

Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first.

The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously mortified. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word.

The guy stops and thinks to himself “This is going to be harder than I thought….” then he gets another idea…..

Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father.

The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn’t make a peep.

The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realizes that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered.

The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of vaseline.

The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out, “ALRIGHT, I’LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!”

“““““

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