Heart surgeon at the mechanic
description

Heart surgeon at the mechanic

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

“So tell me doctor,” says the mechanic, “I’ve been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me..”

“Yes?..” says the surgeon. “Well look at this doctor,” says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, “I check how it’s running, open it up, fix the valves, and put it all back together so it works good as new.. We basically do the same job don’t we? And yet you are paid ten times what I am – how do you explain that?”

The surgeon thought for a moment, and smiling gently, replied,”Try it with the engine running.

“““““

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Gates of heaven
description

Gates of heaven

An old man dies and reaches the gates of heaven. He is quite confused and doesn’t remember things too well. St Peter asks him the routine questions, but doesn’t get anywhere. So he tells him “Never mind, I’ll take you to the boss” and brings him to Jesus.

Jesus starts asking questions. “Hello old man. Do you remember your name?” The old man replies “No… not really… something that starts with J… I remember that people didn’t call me by my real name…”

“Mmmmm… what did you do for a living? You must remember that, you did it every day!”
“Oh sure, I remember well, I was a carpenter. And a good one! I remember when my son…”
“Wait, you had a son? What do you remember about your family? About your wife?”
“Well it’s all a bit confused… there was a woman, she loved the boy and looked after him… but she wasn’t quite the mother… or was it me who wasn’t really the father? Sorry, I don’t remember…”

“And this son, what do remember about him?”

“Well, he was very independent, always getting into trouble. They even wrote books about him. He was quite striking, with the nails through his hands and …”
At this point Jesus can’t contain himself any longer, he stands up and shouts “DAD!”
At which the old man starts running towards him, shouting “Pinocchio!”

——-

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Cop pulls him over
description

Cop pulls him over

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”

The man replies, “Yes I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”

The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”

The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. “So you’re telling me you were speeding…AND committed a robbery?”

“Yes,” the man calmly says. “I have the loot in the back.”

The cop begins to get angry. “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.” The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.

“Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully. “I’m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!” The cop pulls his hand out. “Wait here,” he says.

The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, “Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car.”

The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”

——-

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Showing off
description

Showing off

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend, she was thrilled at the speed.

“If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?” he asked.

“Yes!” said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

“Go and get help!” he cried.

“But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!”

“Take my shoe”, he said, “and cover yourself.”

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!” The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, “There’s nothing I can do…he’s in too far.”
——-

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