Month: February 2017

A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road, when they hear the voice of an American from behind a sand dune- “Hey you bastards! One Marine Dating is better than ten wimpy ISIS fighters!”

The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over to the sand dune, where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes. After a minute of silence, the voice calls out again- “One Marine is better than one hundred of you ISIS scumbags!”

Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and a huge gun fight breaks out. After 10 minutes of battle, there is again silence, until the voice calls out again,“One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters.”

The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men … it’s a trap. There’s not just one marine over there….there’s two.”

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.” The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish. First guy says: “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him any more. Second guy says “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.” Second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.” Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

“Guys, I think I fucked up.”

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I was talking to a friend’s little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her,

‘If you were to be the President, what’s the first thing you would do?’ She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’

‘Wow – what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘You don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that.

You can come over to my house and mow the grass, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.’

She thought that over for a few seconds, ’cause she’s only 6.

And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, ‘Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?’

And I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party.’

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An old man boards a bus with a bowling balls in each of his front pockets.

He sits down next to a beautiful young blonde lady, and she can’t help but glance quizzically at the man and his bulging pockets.

It’s an uneasy few minutes before, finally, the little old man can take no more. “Bowling balls,” he nods reassuringly.

The blonde seems a little shocked, and stares on. Moments later, she says: “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

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