Month: February 2017

A farmer went into a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne too!’

‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me. I’m celebrating.’ “This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman. ‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses headded: ‘What are you celebrating?’ ‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today mygynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’

‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’ ‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’ ‘I used a different cock,’ he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘What a coincidence!’

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Victor was a young Navy sailor with an unusual ability. He could make very off-the-wall predictions, and he had a knack for making money off them.

One day, a Navy shipmate finds him making a small X on the deck with tape, and asks what he’s doing. Victor stands up. “I’ll bet you fifty bucks, in exactly an hour a seagull will fly over, and shit exactly on this spot.” The other man laughs, says “You’re on!”, and they shake on it.

They both come back to the deck close to an hour later. After a few minutes, sure enough, they hear the calls of a gull, followed by a faint splat. The sailor looks down in disbelief at the pile of bird shit on the center of the tape. He pays up.

A couple of days pass. It’s a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. Back on the deck, another sailor finds Victor walking around in his rain coat, and asks why he’s wearing such odd attire on such a pretty day. “I’ll bet you 100 dollars that you’re gonna regret not wearing yours too in just a minute.” The second man looks at him, and takes the bet. He begins to walk away, but before he can take a dozen steps, a single dark cloud forms in the sky and begins to soak the entire ship.

These strange bets continue, and before long, news reaches the captain of the ship. He wants this madman off his boat. He calls some friends in high places, and gets Victor transfered to another vessel. A few days later, he receives a phone call from the commander of the destroyer Victor was placed on.

“You know,” says the commander, “I don’t see why you wanted him gone so bad. I’ve already won five thousand from him. He’s not as good as you said.”

“What? How’d you pull that off?”

The commander laughs. “The idiot bet me that I had hemorrhoids! I’ve never had them in my life, easy money! It was a little awkward proving it, but worth it.”

“How’d you prove it?”

“Simple. I pulled down my pants, and showed him my asshole. He still didn’t believe me, so he grabbed a broom and poked at me, and finally was convinced. Easiest five grand I’ve ever made.”

There was a silence, and the captain finally said, “Throw that son of a bitch overboard right now.”

“What? Why?” asked the commander.

“Because on his last day before the transfer, he bet me twenty thousand that he’d willingly have a broomstick up your ass by the end of the first week.”

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Football Exam Two Alabama Crimson Tide football players, Dugly and Roy, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.

The exam was “fill in the blank” and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had a____.” Dugly was stumped — he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the teacher wasn’t watching, he tapped Roy in the shoulder. “Roy, what’s the answer to the last question?” Roy laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed. He turned to Dugly and said, “Dugly, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM.” ”

Oh yeah,” said Dugly, “I remember now.” he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Roy on the shoulder, he whispered, “Roy, how do you spell farm?” “You are really dumb, Dugly. that’s so easy,” hissed Roy, “farm is spelled “E-I-E-I-O””
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The Buddhist monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a beautiful sound. A sound unlike anything he’s ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn’t sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The Buddhist monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk.”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk.”

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

“In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception.”

The Buddhist monks reply, “Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is beyond that door.”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life’s wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound……

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But, of course, I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

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