Scotsman,  Irishman, and  Englishman
description

Scotsman, Irishman, and Englishman

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year’s supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year’s supply of whisky; it’s given to him and he’s locked away.

The Irishman asks for a year’s supply of Guinness so he’s locked up with several thousand bottles of it.

The Englishman asks for a year’s supply of cigarettes and he’s given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.

One year later, the doors are all unlocked.

The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, ‘I’m free!’ and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.

The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.

When the door to the Englishman’s cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.

To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, ‘I say you wouldn’t happen to have a match, would you?’

“““““

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Valentines Day
description

Valentines Day

Two guys are sitting around talking about what they got their wives for Valentines Day

Todd : “So, what did you get your wife for Valentines day?”

Mark : “I got her this BEAUTIFUL diamond ring. She shows this thing off wherever she goes. She wears it to the store, out to get the mail, to the gas station, etc. She loves it man. What about you?”

Todd : “Well, I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo…”

Mark : “What the fuck? That’s rather odd for Valentines day don’t ya think?”

Todd : “Actually, it makes perfect sense. If she doesn’t like the slippers, then she can go fuck herself”

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Poison
description

Poison

A concerned husband goes to his priest. “Father, I think my wife is trying to poison me. Every time she makes me something to eat, the rat poison bottle gets lighter and lighter.”

Troubled by hearing this, the priest tells the man, “I will go and speak with your wife and see what is going on here.”

The priest then heads to their home and sits down with the wife and has a long discussion. He then comes back to talk to the husband.

“I’ve spoken with your wife for over 45 minutes about this”, the priest said.

The husband looks intently at the priest, “Yeah, what should I do?”

The priest calmly says “you should take the poison.”
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Farmer’s Pregnant Daughter
description

Farmer’s Pregnant Daughter

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer. “No, they went to town.” “How about your brother, Dugly? Is he here?” “No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Dugly getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!”.

The boy thought for a moment, then says, “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Dugly.”

——-

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