A transgender redneck decides it’s time for a complete sex change, but he’s not sure he can afford it. He asks the local doctor about his options.

“So you don’t have insurance?” asks the doctor.

“Nope.”

“And no funds for an operation like this?”

“Just 10 bucks I got for scooping them dead raccoons off the highway this weekend.” replies the bumpkin.

“Well, I’ll tell you what. Go buy a half-stick of dynamite from Old Maurice, go out into your field, light the dynamite, and count to 10.” says the doctor.

“How’s that supposed to make me into a woman?” asks the redneck.

“Trust me. I’ve known you for years. It’ll do the trick.”

So the man heads straight to Old Maurice’s shack, gives him $10 for a half-stick of dynamite, and heads home. He walks straight to the middle of his field, lights the dynamite, holds it in his left hand, and as the fuse burns he starts counting off on his fingers:

“One, two, three, four, five… ”

sticks the dynamite between his legs to free his other hand

“… six, seven…”

——-

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A hospital patient made several false alarm trips to the bathroom and decided the latest episode was another and stayed in bed.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.

He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

A policeman walked by and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”

The drunk, staring down at his feet, replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!”
——-

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A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top?” “That’s a Daddy Longlegs.”

The little girl thought for a moment. “So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” she asked.

The father’s heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, “No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. “Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden.”

——-

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The Doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’ The woman was shocked of the Doctor’s prognosis, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’ After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘My Doctor said I have with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??’ ‘Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’

“““““

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