A woman is speeding down the highway while driving her convertible sports car. She flies past a billboard, behind which is parked a highway patrol officer. Startled by her outrageous velocity, the cop flicks on his lights and siren and pulls out from his hiding spot, tearing up asphalt to close the gap.

She notices his approach in her rear-view and obeys protocol, pulling over to the side of the road.

When both cars come to a halt, the officer quickly exits his squad car and makes his way to the damsel. “What in God’s name would make you feel the need to drive so fast, ma’am?!” he asks her.

“Well, officer, actually, I’m late for work,” she replies.

“And just what is it you do?” asks the annoyed law enforcer.

“Well,” begins the lady, “I’m a certified Asshole Stretcher.”

“An Asshole Stretcher?! What the hell does that mean?” inquires the curious cop.

“It’s quite simple, really,” says the woman, “I take my finger and I insert it into a patient’s anus. I make sure to use plenty of lubrication during the entire process, as it is very delicate.

“After I get one finger in, I start to massage the sphincter and get another finger in. Then I can start to make a sort of peace sign, as I insert yet another finger. I work it until I can get knuckle-deep, then I begin to ease my other hand in.

“Once I get both hands in, I continue to pull and loosen, using plenty of lube, until my whole forearm up to the elbow can wedge inside, and eventually my whole shoulder. I keep working it until I’ve stretched the asshole to about six feet.”

“Six feet!?” replies the officer, “What the hell would you do with a six-foot asshole?!”

The lady answers, “Park him behind a billboard.”


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