Month: March 2018

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder…

“Want to make a bet while we wait?” The Gambler asks. “If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you.”

The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the gambler begins “reading” him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man’s shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks.

“Don’t be silly, it’s just indigestion.” the gambler remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line.

Next, the gambler taps on a redneck’s shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts.

“This one’s easy!” the gambler smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. “Hold my beer!”

Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line.

Riding the high of a hot streak, the gambler wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made.

“Okay, let’s see…” The gambler studies the new mark carefully. He’s a large, imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes.

The gambler holds his hand out like a gun. “You ain’t taking me alive!”

The man shakes his head. Wrong. The gambler strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with.

The gambler holds the ‘gun’ sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, “Fuck the police!”

Wrong again. The gambler’s getting frustrated, now. He’s never been unable to read someone before.

Finally, the gambler throws his hands in the air. “I’VE GOT NOTHING!” He shouts. “I GIVE UP!”

The man steps aside.

——-

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A Native American shaman dies and his only student isn’t very good…

A Native American shaman dies and his only student isn’t very good but he can’t let his people down so when they ask him if snow is coming he tells them.

“I must go and speak with the spirits. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case.” And so the whole tribe begins cutting wood and the new shaman goes to “Talk with the spirits” by walking through the woods, crossing the highway, finding a payphone and calling the weather service.

“Will it snow soon?” He asks.

“Yes” they reply, and it looks like it’ll be very bad.

So he crosses back over the highway and through the woods back to his tribe.

“The spirits have spoken!” He told them “The snow will be coming soon and be very bad, we must prepare and cut more lumber!”

For the next week the tribe works night and day cutting firewood. It no snow comes and they approached the new shaman again.

“We see no signs of snow” they cried “The spirits must be wrong. Please go and make sure they said it would snow.”

“I will go and speak with the spirits again. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case.” And so the whole tribe continues cutting wood and the new shaman goes to “Talk with the spirits” by walking through the woods, crossing the highway, finding a payphone and calling the weather service.

“Are you sure it will snow soon?” He asks.

“Yes” they reply, and it looks like it’ll be very bad.much worse than we thought the first time.”

So he crosses back over the highway and through the woods back to his tribe.

“It will be a terrible snow! We must work harder to ensure our survival this winter!” He told the tribe. And so the tribe worked even harder, clearing the land for firewood but still the snow never came.

A week later the the tribe approached the shaman again.

“Surely this must be enough firewood, we’ve cut down so many of our trees and still no snow.Please make sure the spirits are correct.”

“I must go and speak with the spirits. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case.” And so the whole tribe begins cutting wood and the new shaman goes to “Talk with the spirits” by walking through the woods, crossing the highway, finding a payphone and calling the weather service.

“Are you positive it will snow soon?” He asks.

“Yes, dreadfully bad! Impossibly bad!” they reply.

“How can you tell it will be so bad?” He asks

“Well our maps don’t show a cloud in the sky but the local Native American tribe has cut down half a damn forest for firewood!”

“““““

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A man is ship wrecked on an island with a dog and a goat. Several months go by and he’s horny as ever and decides he needs some action from someone or something. So the goats not looking half bad. But whenever he tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous and snaps and growls at him until he backs off.

So some time goes by and eventually another ship wrecks on the island, this time carrying a beautiful blonde with flawless skin, a gorgeous face, double D’s and a perfect booty.

The man can’t believe it. He looks to the heavens and says “thank you, God! You have answered my prayers, thank you, thank you!”

The man looks to the woman and says “would you mind taking this dog for a walk?”

——-

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A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Steven raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

“Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'”

——-

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