Month: August 2018

David, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he’s greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: “Welp, I’ve been wrong all my life and I guess I’m now to pay the price for my lack of faith”

Satan laughs and replies: “Awh it’s not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself”

He then proceeds to escort David through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there’s a bunch of houses where other “damned” live.

As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, request that’s always granted by the two.

Every time they stop to a house Satan never fails to display how much of a lovely guy he really is by telling amazing stories, singing, cracking jokes and just generally being a great person.

At sunset the devil sees that David was very tired and decides to show him the house he’ll be spending the rest of eternity into.

As they walk to David’s new house the two pass close to a huge wall and David asks: “What’s behind there?”

Satan: “Oh, nothing that should concern you, pay it no mind”

Despite his curiosity David thought better not to bother Satan with further questions and just followed him to his new house where Satan promised he’d be back the following morning to show him the recreational center before finally bidding him a goodnight after a long day.

That night however David kept thinking back at the whole situation he’s in and how surreal everything was until his thoughts eventually jumped to the wall he saw earlier in the day.

After a few minutes trying to guess what could there be behind that wall that Satan couldn’t even tell him he decided he should investigate, as such he took a deep breath and dived into the night walking back to the place where the wall was.

Once there he searched for some clues until he saw some faint light coming from a spot in the wall; upon closer inspection he saw that there was a hole and the light was coming from behind the wall.

David took a deep breath and scrounged up the courage to look into the crack on the wall and what he saw was a spectacle much alike what he always thought hell would be.

On the other side of the wall huge flames were scattered all over a burnt and scalding hot ground and much to his horror he saw other souls inside that nightmare being eternally burned and never consuming, screaming and pleading for help.

David rushed back into his place where he just quietly sobbed and cried all night for he was sure now that the Devil was just toying with him to give him a bit of hope right before tossing him into eternal despair.

The following morning Satan showed up once again and told David to come with him.

David pleaded: “PLEASE! PLEASE! Don’t take me to hell, I’ll do anything just let me stay here, I don’t wanna burn for all eternity!”

Satan: “What are you talking about??? I’m just gonna show you the recreational center like I told you yesterday”

David: “Don’t lie to me, I saw what was going on behind the giant wall!”

Satan: “Ooooh you saw that! Don’t worry that’s not for you, that’s the Christian hell”

David: “The christian hell? Why would the christian hell be like that?”

Satan: “I don’t know either man, they just want it that way”

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A woman comes into the Doctor’s office for a checkup one day.

As she’s taking off her blouse, the Doctor notices a big H on her chest.

He asks, “How’d you get that mark on your chest?”

She says, “Oh, well my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he has a sweatshirt from there, and he never takes it off, even when we make love. I guess it leaves a mark.”

They laugh and the checkup goes well, and a couple days pass. Then another woman comes in for a checkup and she has a great big Y on her chest when she takes off her blouse.

The Doctor says, “What’s that big Y on your chest from?”
The woman says, “Oh, well my boyfriend goes to Yale. He’s so proud he got a sweatshirt from there and never takes it off, when when we make love. Guess it leaves a mark.”

They laugh. The checkup goes fine. Couple days later a different woman comes in and she has a great big M on her chest when she takes off her blouse.

The Doctor says, “Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan University?

She says, “No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Washington, why do you ask?”

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers William and James that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm – tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack – nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ – geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers William and James with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ – dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy – it’s not like fighting with William and James and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers – he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila

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Three Europeans went to America when they all get captured by Native Americans who want to kill them. The Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it.

So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native Americans say “Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you.” So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs so the Native Americans kill him.

The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native Americans tell him the same thing. He laughs and the Native Americans kill him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, “I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, I’m ticklish and thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?” The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

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