Month: August 2018

A Private in the Marines was on guard duty one night and sitting in the wooden hut at the barrier, waiting for his turn to go out on patrol.

The phone rings, and he answers, and is suddenly confronted with a loud voice, demanding of him “are there any officers still at the officer’s mess hall?”.

He looks at the officer’s car park, and replies “no, I think it’s just that fat drunken prick, General Smith. That’s the only car still here, anyway”.

“WHAAAAT?!!! Do you know who you’re talking to???!!?”, the voice bellows.
“Errr… No, I do not”, the private replies.

‘This IS General Smith!”, the telephone voice shouts.

Considering his options, the private asks “Well, General, do you know who YOU’RE talking to?”.
The general, somewhat taken aback, says “no, I don’t know or care who I’m talking to!”.
“Well then, fuck you, you fat, miserable alcoholic cunt”, the Private replies, and hangs up the call.

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A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” What do they say?” the priest inquires curiously. The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” That’s obscene!” the priest exclaims.

After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. “You know,” he says, “I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner.” “Thank you,” the woman responds, “this may very well be the solution.”

The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding Rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!

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A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, “MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!”

“You’re a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman.

“Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked.

“HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, “MY ROLEX!”

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A store that sells husbands has just opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the floors. There is, however, a catch ..

You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor,
but, you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are good looking and help with the housework.”Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your steps as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

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