Jim came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter explained, “You died in your sleep, Jim.” Jim was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken.”

Jim was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past, “So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”

“Not bad.” replied Jim the hen. “But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”

“You’re ovulating.” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?!”

“Never!” said Jim.

“Well, just relax and let it happen.” says the rooster. “It’s no big deal.”

Jim did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Jim was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, “Jim!! Wake up!! You’ve shit the bed!”

“““““

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A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she’s wearing a uniform, she’s probably an off-duty Flight Attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve”? The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world”?

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations”? The woman looks at him sternly and says, “What the fuck do you want”? “Aha”, he says,… “United Airlines”.

“““““

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I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to my brides home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, “You may now kiss the bride”, but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn’t mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, “You may now kiss the bride!” My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, “Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?”

My wife answered,

“In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!”

“““““

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A young boy named Johnny is visiting his grandparents, he and his grandfather are watching a movie while Johnny sits on his lap.

Johnnys grandfather then proceeds to light a cigarette and Johnny asks if he can try. So his grandfather asks:

“Does your dick touch your asshole?”

“No”

“Then you are not old enough to try”

Later the same scenario happens but it is with a beer instead, when Johnny asks if he can try the same question was asked:

“Does your dick touch your asshole?”

“No”

“Then you are not old enough to try”

A few hours later Johnny comes back in with a couple cookies that his grandmother made for him, his grandfather asks if he can have one and Johnny replies with:

“Does your dick touch your asshole?”

The grandfather smiles and proudly answers:

“Yes, in fact it does”

“Good, then you can go fuck yourself because grandma made these for me!”

“““““

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