Month: January 2019

Ray is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Mike.

After taking some time to size Mike up and decide that he can trust him, Ray tells Mike about his plan to escape.

“You see, ” Ray says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it’s components.” Mike is skeptical, but intrigued.

Ray continues: “For the last five years, I’ve been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It’s perfect, because the guards just think it’s rats chewing on it.”

So Mike asks, “Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?”

Ray says “Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we’ll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers.”

Mike, disgusted, says “You have got to be kidding me!”

And Ray says “I shit. You knot.”

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A man and a woman meet at a bar.

They are hooking up and decide to go to the girl’s place to have a one night stand. After starting foreplay the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”

The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”

“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”

One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m the best dentist in town, How did you figure that out?”

“Didn’t feel a thing!”

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Arriving home from a big shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.

Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about…

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out, so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you don’t wear because they are out of fashion. She was cold, so I gave her the new birthday sweater you never wear because the colour doesn’t suit you. Her trousers had holes in them, so I gave her a pair of yours that don’t fit you any more. Then, as this poor girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use any more?” . . . So here we are!’

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Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.

The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?”

The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.

The first guy says, “What’s wrong?”

The second guy says, “One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.”

The first guy says, “That could be a problem. I’ll go over.”

He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.

The second guy says, “What’s wrong?”

The first guy says, “Small world!”

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