Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”

The philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ Socrates’ teachings.” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked,”Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.” The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?” The Devil inspected the seat and said,”The third hole from the right.” “Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my asshole.”

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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

“Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa.”

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

“Dear Papa, Don’t dig up that garden! That’s where the bodies are buried. Love Vinnie”

At 4 am next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from this son.

“Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie”

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea.

He decides he’ll charge money to let the town’s people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the town’s people.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to a post and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. And, since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face.

After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin.

The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.”
The man asks, “Why not?”

And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”

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A big city doctor visits an Native American Tribe full of men and he asks “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”

“Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we’ll show you.”

The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of Native Americans near a donkey. One man says “Since you’re our guest you get to go first.”

The doctor not knowing what to do stands cluelessly until a tribesman explains to him: ” Use the donkey”.

The doctor: ” what?”

“Yes use it, mount it”

The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks “Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women.”

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