An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband’s pulse, then told the woman, “I’m sorry, your husband is dead.”

The woman was shocked. “I don’t believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?”

The doctor responded, “I’m quite sure, but if you’d like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform.”

“YES! I have to be absolutely certain.”

The doctor shrugged, sat down on a stool and yelled out the door, “send in Mrs. Fluffkins!”
In walked a black house cat. The cat jumped onto the examination table, walking carelessly on the unresponsive body of the woman’s husband, the cat swatted at the man’s face a few times, then jumped off the table, meowed twice and walked out of the room.

“Just as I thought,” said the doctor. “Dead. Send in Walter!”

In walked a Labrador retriever, the dog walked over to the woman’s husband, smelled his hand which was dangling from the table. The dog turned to the doctor, his big expressive eyes raised up to meet the doctor’s gaze, then the dog shook his head and walked out of the room.
“Just as I thought,” said the doctor. “Dead. Send in Collin!”

Suddenly a towering Aussie in safari gear burst into the room. A pair of binoculars hung from a strap around his neck. He pulled them up to his eyes, looked at the husband for a second, then turned to the old woman and yelled, “OY CUNT YA HUSBANDS FUCKIN’ DEAD” and walked out of the room.

“Thank you Collin,” said the doctor, making a note on his clipboard, then yelled down the hall “Ma’am can you come in here?”

A elderly woman walked slowly into the room, peered through her thick glasses at the body of the husband on the exam table, shook her head, then sat down at a typewriter in the corner, clacked away at the keys for a few seconds. Ding. She pulled a card out of the typewriter, and handed it to the doctor.

The doctor looked at the card, “Dead. Thank you ma’am, that’ll be all.”

The doctor suddenly hopped up from his stool. He picked the stool up by the legs and swung it over his head, crashing the seat down on the body of the husband. The husband’s lifeless body flailed under the impact, then settled back to rest on the table. The doctor set the stool down, then jotted something on his clipboard.

“I’m sorry to inform you that your husband is definitely dead.” He handed her a piece of paper detailing the test results. “Take this to the front desk and they’ll check you out.”
The old woman took the slip of paper to the front desk.

The receptionist looked it over, and giving the old woman a sad look said, “I’m sorry for your loss. That will be $32,000.”

“32 THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!? That can’t possibly be right, I’ve never paid that much to see the doctor.”

The receptionist looked over the paper again, “Well it’s $100 copay for the doctors visit, but then it shows you also requested a cat scan, a lab report, a Collin-oscopy, a ma’am-ogram, and a stool analysis.”

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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?”

The man replies, “No, what do you mean?”

She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule at this nudist colony that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,

Did you call for me?” says the hairy man.

“No, what do you mean?” asks the newcomer.

“It’s a rule at this nudist colony that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. “May I help you?” she asks.

The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.”
“But, Sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.”
The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m 63 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I’m outta here!”

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An Oklahoma State Trooper pulls over a circus clown for speeding

The trooper asks the clown “Why were you driving so fast?” The clown says “I’m headed to Tulsa for a circus show and I don’t want to be late.” The trooper asks the clown “What do you do in the show?” “I’m a juggler” says the clown.
“Alright” says the trooper, “If you juggle for me here, I won’t give you a ticket.” The clown says “I don’t have my equipment, it got sent ahead of me.”

The trooper says excitedly “I’ve got some flares in the back of my car.”

As the clown begins juggling the flares on the side of the road, a good-old boy, drunk off his ass, pulls in behind the trooper to witness the spectacle. After watching for a few minutes, the man then climbs into the back seat of the squad car. The trooper, having never seen a man arrest himself before, walks over to the man and asks “What are you doin, son?”
The man says “You may as well take me to jail now, ’cause I ain’t gonna pass that test.”

“““““

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A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV. He’s watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says “that looks amazing, I want to do that!”

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. “Hi, I’d like to learn to play guitar.” Says the horse.

“Sure,” says the man on the phone. “Just come to your lesson and we’ll get you started.”
“There’s just one problem,” says the horse. “I’m a horse.”

“Not to worry,” the man says. “We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You’ll be playing like a pro in no time.”

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

“Hey Chicken, come over!” he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it’s pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says “hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that.”

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. “Hi, I’d like to learn to play the drums.” Says the chicken.

“Sure,” says the man on the phone. “Just come to your lesson and we’ll get you started.”
“There’s just one problem,” says the chicken. “I’m a chicken.”

“Not to worry,” the man says. “We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You’ll be playing like a pro in no time.”

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something’s missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they’ve been up to. Cow thinks it’s pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. “Hi, I’d like to learn to play bass guitar.” Says the cow.

“Sure,” says the man on the phone. “Just come to your lesson and we’ll get you started.”
“There’s just one problem,” says the cow. “I’m a cow.”

“Not to worry,” the man says. “We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You’ll be playing like a pro in no time.”

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they’re practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says “hey, you guys are pretty good! I’m from a record label, I’d like to sign you!”
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she’s all good, it’s just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he’s out of a job and he’s stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he’ll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, “why the long face?”

“““““

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