A manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?” he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

“I…rub the storm…balls?” the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice.

“I’m so sorry, my father has been learning English. He won’t be making it into work today because he’s feeling sick.”

“Oh! That’s perfectly fine, but…what was the part about rubbing…storm balls…?”

The kid laughed. “We were working on popular English idioms this week. He was trying to say he’s feeling under the weather.”

“””””

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Grandpa and grandson are on the porch. The grandpa is smoking a cigar. The grandson asks “ Grandpa, can I have a puff of your cigar?”

Grandpa replies “Well does your dick touch your asshole?”

The grandson is confused but replies “No.”

“Well then you can’t have a puff!”

The next day, Grandpa and Grandson are on the porch. This time the Grandpa is drinking a beer. The grandson asks “Can I have a sip of your beer?”

Grandpa replies “Does your dick touch your asshole?”

Grandson “No.”

“Then you can’t have a sip!”

The third day, both are on the porch again. This time the grandson is eating an ice cream cone. The grandpa asks “Oh can I have a lick of your ice cream?”

The grandson replies “Well does your dick touch your asshole?”

Grandpa proudly affirms “Why yes! Yes it does!”

Grandson: “Then go and fuck yourself!”

“””””

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The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, “So, Mom, I assume you’ll be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don’t think so. It’s a ten-hour drive, your father isn’t as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.”
“Don’t worry about it, Mom, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.”

“I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?

Sarah replies, “I’ll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York.”

“Honey,” Mom complains, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.”

The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come.”

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President’s mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?”

The senator whispers back, “Yes, I do.”

Mom says proudly, “Her brother is a doctor.”

“””””

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Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team, down below, is whooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate.

When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

“Whats going on up here?” asks the brunette. “We’re having a great time downstairs!”

“Yeah,” screams a terrified blonde, “but you’ve got a driver!”

“””””

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