Month: August 2020

A man was teaching his wife golf. The wife struck the golf ball so hard that it went to the neighbours house and they heard a crash like it broke something.
Embarrassed and apologetic, they go over to the neighbours house and let themselves in.

They see a broken vase on the ground and a man standing near it.

Before they can make sense of anything, the man says “Thank you for freeing me. I am a Genie and I had been trapped inside this vase for thousand of years. I shall now grant you three wishes but the third wish will be mine.”

The couple are extremely elated. The husband says, “I want $10 million in my bank account.”
The genie says, “Granted.”

The wife says, “I want a big mansion with a lot of jewellery and a lot of servants.”

The Genie says, “Granted. Now, for my wish, I would like to have sex with the wife.”

The husband has no problem so the genie fucks the wife for a long time.

As both of them are lying in the bed, the Genie asks the wife, “how old are you and your husband?”
The wife replies, “I’m 27 and my husband is 29.”

The Genie smirks, and with a grin on his face says, “And yet, you still believe in Genies?”

“””””

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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He’s reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out on a date.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, “Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time.” Flattered, the man responds, “Sure… but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?”

“Well,” the woman says, “A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. ”

The man can’t believe it. “I saw them play Cleveland in ’99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others’ houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!” Naturally, they’re both shocked.

“If that isn’t weird enough,” says the woman, “I noticed you’re reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He’s my favourite author”

Now the man is really taken aback, “Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain.”

They both can’t believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.

“Ok,” the woman says, “well, buckle up because here’s the icing on the cake. I noticed you’re eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we’d go up and harvest the plums with him. He’d dry them and by the time we’d go back to his place for Thanksgiving he’d always have those prunes saved just for us. They’re my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you’re eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?”

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

*”It’s a date.”*

“””””

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How many republicans does it take to fix a light bulb?

None. Trump tells them it’s fixed and the rest just sit in the dark and applaud.

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How do you get democrats to turn out the lights?

Tell them it’s white privilege to have light and watch them break it.

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How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?

Tell him it was installed by Obama.

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Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars.

Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars.

Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.

Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, “Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a hell-hole, so it’s a local call.”

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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ‘Honey’, she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today’.
‘Oh, really? Let me see…’, he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: ‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.’

“””””

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