A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: “So, honey? How’s my mom doing?”

He replies: “She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!”

“Wow that’s amazing!” – says the wife – “But this is very strange, dear… yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!”

“Well, I don’t know how she was yesterday” – he replied – “But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst”

“””””

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Dugly had been an inmate in prison for only a year into his life long sentence with no hope for parole that he had decided that he would not be dying in prison.

Using outside connections and some small favors he was able to get a small spoon and a local map of the surrounding area to the prison.

After ten years of carefully digging his tunnel without getting caught, the inmate had finally dug all the way to just under a warehouse a few blocks away from the prison.

Breaking through the surface he and being blinded by sunlight. After the inmate’s eyes had adjusted he stuck his head out of the hole to survey the area.

He noticed that his calculations were off and he had dug all the way through a sandbox in a playground next to a little girl who was playing in it.

Without a care in the world he proceeded to jump out of the hole and hoisting the little girl up into the air he shouted “I’m free, I’m free, I’m free!!!”

After setting the girl on the ground she told him “that’s nothing I’m four.”

“””””

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Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well…until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones…and picked the worst possible one to start with.

Here’s the joke I told:

“What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your laundry in.”

One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously I felt mortified as I didn’t know about it, and said “I’m so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?”

“No,” replied the guy. “He choked on a sock.”

“””””

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Three roughnecks – Ray, Billy, and Dugly – were working on a rig in the oilfield. While they were working one day, Ray falls off the rig tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Billy says, “Somebody needs to go and tell his wife.” Dugly replied, “I’ll do it. I’m good with this sensitive stuff.”

Two hours later Dugly returns with a case of beer. Billy asked him, “Where’d you get the beer?” Dugly told him Ray’s wife gave it to him. Billy replies, flabbergasted, “Unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?”

Dugly said, “Not exactly, Billy. When she answered the door, I asked her ‘Are you Ray’s widow’. She says, ‘You must be mistaken, I’m not a widow.'”
“And then I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of beer you are.'”

“””””

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