Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday.

“On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?

“”Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

“”Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it? ”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o.

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” says the judge.

Then he turns to the second guy. “And how did you do?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“Wow!” says the judge.

“156 people! How did you manage to do that?”

“Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like this: o O.

Then I pointed to the little circle and said,

This is your asshole before prison ..

“””””

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A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.

The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.

The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take first watch.

While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, “Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!”

The husband yells back, “We’re not having sex!”

Later, the stranger yells out to them again. Again, the husband yells back and corrects him. This happens several times during the stranger’s shift.

Finally, the husband’s takes his shift in the watch tower.

His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach.

The husband on watch exclaims, “Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!”

“””””

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One day, Randy complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $20.00.”

Randy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have migraines. You need to take better care of yourself. Get daily rest, drink a lot and avoid bright lights, stress, and strain. See me again in 2 weeks.

During the next 2 weeks, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even added some oil from his car.

Randy went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00, again stating he had a bad headache. He waited curiously to see what the computer will say about the odd mix. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water has too much waste in it.

Your dog has ringworms.

Your teenage daughter is pregnant.

Your wife has had 5 different lovers in the past six months.

Also, your car needs a new radiator.

And you wonder why you have a headache?

“””””

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An old woman sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

”Well, now,” says the old lady, ”I guess I would like to be really rich.”

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

”And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

”Your third wish?” asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ”Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ”Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”

“””””

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