Month: September 2020

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour. They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn’t bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: “One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.”

He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest
“Father, please come with me. Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery”

They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: “One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.”

Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said: “What about the two at the gate?”

“””””

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The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge. After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar. Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked, “What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?” “No” the man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
“””””

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work

Her 8-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
The boy replies,”$750.”
“Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove; let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t. I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy – “$1,000”

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth as he closes the door and waits outside.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”

“””””

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An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he’s going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren’t too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.

He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, “Do you have change for a $15 bill?”

The old man replies, “I sure do…How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?”

“””””

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