Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.” “My false teeth are killing me.”

“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.” “Oh please do…” “Give me a day or two.” With this they parted. Two days later the sufferer was handed a package with false teeth in it. He tried them and was astonished to find they were a great improvement but “a little on the tight side.” Saying “Don’t worry, I’ll try again,” two days later he offered another set, but alas the reaction was “Much better, but rather on the loose side.” “Ah, I think I’ve got it! Let me try just once more.”

Sure enough, two days later he handed over a set saying “I think these will really be just right.” Putting them in, the sufferer was astonished to find they really were a very good fit. “Thank you so much. These are just right. You must be a wonderful dentist to be able to get false teeth to fit so well just by looking at them!” Laughing modestly the man replied “Oh I’m not a dentist. I’m a funeral director.”

“””””

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A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. “There’s no charge” she says. “No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she says.

“Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, “it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.”

“So I just switched the heads.”

“””””

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A man’s wife sends him out to get some cigarettes. So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it’s closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, “Oh no, its so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?” She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed.

“Where the hell have you been?!” she asks. “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.” “Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”

She sees his hands are covered with powder and… “You liar!! You went bowling again!!”

“””””

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Dave cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice.

He goes to the doctor and says, “Look, I just can’t bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it’s a real problem.”
The doctor says, “Well, is it too warm?”

“Yes, it’s absolutely sweltering”

“Then get some air-con”

“I can’t afford air-con, I’m too poor”

“Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?”

“Yeah, I’ve got a mate Francis”

“Well, ask your mate Francis to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help.”

So, Dave asks Francis for this favour, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Francis fanning them with the towel but it’s doing nothing for her.

Dave says, “Well this isn’t working, let’s swap.” So Dave takes the towel and starts wafting Francis, who is now shagging Dave’s missus. Not long after, Dave’s wife goes “Oooh… oh that’s it, I’m about to cum, I’m going to cum!”

Dave shouts, triumphantly, “You see, Francis?! That’s how you waft a fucking towel!”

“””””

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